The Loner Struggle

Me oh my, my last post was MONTHS ago…where has the time gone?!  I’ve been busy not being busy mostly.  Now that you know where I’ve been (read, where I haven’t), let’s jump right into the topic at hand. 

A little over a month ago, I celebrated my quarter century (clap for me. No?? Ok fine, just don’t sideeye too hard).  As I reflected on where I am in my life at 25 and how that stacks up to where I thought I would be; one thing stood out to me the most: I am losing friends in a major way.  In short, I am well on my way to becoming a loner and I think I should be disturbed by this.

To be clear, I’ve never been the girl with friends on friends on friends.  Quality over quantity has long been my motto.  With that said, my small circle is now drastically smaller.  Essentially, I don’t seem to have a problem with chucking the deuces even if the person I’m chucking them to is my childhood best friend (we actually haven’t spoken since high school so she didn’t factor into my quarter century revelation, but just go with it).  Since college I’ve lost touch with/stopped talking to seven, yes SEVEN, of my closest peeps.  In some cases, there was a misunderstanding that morphed into a larger misunderstanding and then settled into full-on beef.  I’m not super concerned with those, because I don’t need nor do I want people in my life who don’t meet me halfway.  As it goes with a romantic relationship, a friendship, ESPECIALLY a best friendship, should be a two-way street.  Once I start to feel like the red-headed stepchild, I usually just cut my ties and keep it moving.  I’ve had this happen a few times and while the isolated incident that caused us to beef is not irreparable, it’s usually the doubt that creeps in about the authenticity of our actual friendship after that makes it difficult for me to carry on with said friendship.  Either way, these mad-cow ridden friendships aren’t the ones that overly concern me and aren’t what this post is about.

Some of my friends I’ve lost through sheer non-contact, also read as falling off.  Somehow life got in the way and we stopped talking.  When I lose friends this way, it doesn’t sit well with me.  Losing touch seems to be more common than I ever thought it would be.  How hard is it for me to check in with people every once in a while?!  I know you’re reading this and thinking, “Girl please, you’re being too hard on yourself.  Everyone gets busy from time to time.  No worries, just get better at staying in touch now that you know this is a character flaw you possess.”  Sure, if only I didn’t know I had this trait years ago!!!  I suffer from some sort of friend burnout syndrome, I’m convinced.  In the beginning of meeting and connecting with someone, I’m so into the friendship!  Everything is new, we get along great, we text, we call, we Skype (ok not really, Skype.  I just got over being weirded out by Skype.).  The point I’m trying to make is that I can literally talk to my new friend every single day in the beginning.  In the middle, I still reach out.  I find myself more reluctant to commit to an actual date and therefore make “tentative” get together plans.  What follows this is that I usually am going through my phone and go, “Wow, I haven’t spoken to so-and-so in 6 months.  I wonder if they’re still alive.”  Often I’d try to rationalize our losing touch by blaming it entirely on the other person.  This is no bueno and I have got to do better…period, full stop.  I need to and WILL have more accountability for both my actions and inactions.  No one wants to be a loner and that’s what’s looking like for me if I don’t get off this path quick, fast and in a hurry.

One last thing, I definitely don’t want to leave you all with the impression that I don’t have great friends in my life, because I do.  My best friend is someone that I’ve known for over six years and she has my back through EVERYTHING.  I salute her for putting up with me and I definitely know that I need to be a better friend to her.  I’m consciously trying to make sure I’m meeting her in the middle since that’s what I expect from my other friends.  The problem here is not that I don’t have any good friends; it’s that I could have more if I stayed in touch.  I could and should have at least three more best friends if it were not for my own laziness and indifference.

Don’t worry y’all, I’ll do better.