Musing...not to be confused with whining

Watch me stomp my feet and pout about how it’s NOT FAIR that I’m still single…no?  Ok, just kidding I guess.

Sometimes this is what I feel like shouting to the whole world and all the worlds beyond.  I’m at the ripe old age of 24 and for some reason I have this incessant nagging that I need to be “settled down”.  Being that I work in media, I am well aware of how the media influences society and ultimately shapes our perceptions about social norms.  I also know that I literally have at least a decade before I can legitimately start worrying about the future of my eggs, or lack thereof.  I know that my 20s are the years that I should revel in; I should be making bad decisions almost every day so I can look back fondly and suffer no regrets.  How is it that I know all of these things, yet sometimes I want nothing more than to have a boyfriend to come home to?  Am I lonely?  Sometimes, sure.  But definitely not in the sense that I’m not comfortable with myself and am co-dependent on others to fill a “void” that only I can really fill.

*Sigh*

Ever since I got out of my last relationship, over a year ago, I feel like I’ve been stumbling through this thing called life.  The reason why my last relationship ended was because after almost three years of dating exclusively, he was still reluctant to call it a relationship.  Other than the whole not being official thing, it was a great relationship.  We laughed, we barely fought, he was brutally honest with me and the sex was amazing.  I loved him and all the faults that he came with.  I was so ready to settle down with him and started imagining my happily ever after at the age of 22!  Now that I look back on this, I realize how absurd it was.  Seriously, 22?!?!  At that point, I hadn’t even lived on my own yet.  I was just beginning my career and essentially becoming an adult.

Honestly, this is not the first time I’ve dated someone and started thinking about our forever together.  I did that with the boyfriend I had before my last ex.  The glaring difference in these two situations is that at least that ex and I were on the same page.  We had actual conversations about marriage and children.

Thankfully, I’m still on good terms with both exes and can now be objective about my experiences with them both, at least I think I can.

I say all of this to lay out the foundation of my obsession with marrying young and getting pregnant, like, on purpose.  There is a stark dichotomy that exists within my subconscious.  On one side, I’d love to be at my engagement party and preparing to move in with the last man I’ll ever sleep with.  But on the other side, I cannot believe that I even entertain these notions!  Right now, my life is pretty much the bee’s knees.  I have a great job, don’t live at home and I have a good, kooky group of girlfriends that always keep me entertained.  I’m gearing up for a girls’ trip to Miami and somewhere in between all of that, I go on the occasional date or two.

I think this restlessness will always be with me.  When I get married *knocks on wood*, I’m sure that I’ll have those feelings of being trapped and wishing I had more time to sow my wild oats.  I guess it’s just not in my nature to be satisfied with my lot in life.  I can deal with that, but it’s important that I keep a healthy perspective and don’t start blowing things ALL the way out of proportion.  Is this just what it’s like to be a woman in a male-dominated society?  Is this society beating me over the head with the notion that there must be something wrong if I’m not on my way to 2.5 babies?  Do men feel this way or are they wholeheartedly happy with the bachelor life?

I think ultimately I don’t have much of a choice but to enjoy the ride while I’m on it.  I’ll hope that things eventually work out the way I want them to, but at the same time, I’m going to enjoy all these wild oats at my feet.